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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26195674">Payment In Kind</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/renjunsfairydust/pseuds/renjunsfairydust'>renjunsfairydust</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, Light Angst, M/M, The butterfly effect, alcohol and parties, art student renjun!, kissing!, lots and lots of kissing, photography student jaemin!, they trade in kisses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:35:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>18,663</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26195674</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/renjunsfairydust/pseuds/renjunsfairydust</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Every decision Renjun made consisted of tiny intricacies: the strokes of his paintbrush, and the colours of the sunset. So, when Jaemin becomes the focus of them, Renjun wonders again why he ever agreed to tutor him in the first place.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>313</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>CAS summer 2020 games</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Payment In Kind</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/meiqis/gifts">starrymeis (meiqis)</a>.</li>



    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
<i>‘It has been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly’s wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway across the world.’</i> 
<i>-chaos theory</i>
</p><p> 
The sun advanced from behind the clouds, pouring streams of light over Renjun’s canvas, gold colours that cascaded through the window onto the paint he’d flung over the linen. Its shards of heat strung onto the skin revealed by the short sleeves of his tattered shirt, warmth beating down as he brushed another stroke across his work. 
</p><p>Renjun liked the quiet, it meant he could focus on every brush stroke, each intricacy, it helped his thoughts run freely. Only the soft buzz of the monitor in the corner of the room could be heard. He glanced at the dirtied table top. The wood was stained with dried paint, and fading pencil marks, his easel sat on it, propping up the canvas in front of him. He’d been working on the piece since the start of the week. It was abstract, worked with oils that created a textured seascape, waves crashing against the sand. His gaze lingered on the saffron grains, gold, white and ash mixed with yellow. He loved the colour, <i>yellow</i>, it reminded him of his life, he wasn’t sure why, but it did, and because of that he had always been drawn to paint it, to splash his life onto a canvas - <i>the sun, the sand, the stars</i>, he had painted all of them.</p><p>As much as he loved the sun, the light it now cast onto his painting began distorting the image, rays glaring as he squinted at the palette beside the easel.</p><p>He rose from the stool to the window, tugging the blinds in an attempt to pull them down to block out the brightness. From that spot in the classroom, he could see the grounds of the university, gravel pathways that met with grassy fields, the lake nestled in the campus’ centre. The cherry trees had bloomed with the onset of spring, blossoms hanging low from their branches, pink petals that rattled with the breeze. It was the first spring that Renjun had spent in Seoul, the flowers were one of his favourite things about the city.</p><p>He pulled on the blinds again and they dropped over the glass panes, bathing the walls in cool shadows.</p><p>Returning to his seat, Renjun ran his fingers over the paintbrushes lined neatly next to his easel, taking one and dipping it into the paint, he formed the stroke of a purple horizon that swirled onto the canvas.</p><p>A place at Seoul university had been everything that he’d dreamed of for the last two years. China seemed far away now, <i>home</i>, he hadn’t been back since the start of term, but he was doing what he loved, and for that he was grateful.  He liked the feeling of anonymity at the university, felt he could lose himself among the student here, not having the loudest voice, he’d always preferred to observe from the side-lines. It was a habit of his since childhood.</p><p>It had started with a story from his mother, that she had told him when he was six. He had laid his head in her lap, and she stroked his hair as she recounted the day she had met his father. It had been an encounter of chance, she had missed her bus to work and had to wait at the stop. There had been another person waiting too, which Renjun would later find out was his father as the story unfolded. They had got talking, and when her bus arrived, he had scribbled his number on the back of a receipt in his pocket and it had spiralled from there. She told it to him like an epic love story, one meant for the movie screens, Renjun supposed that in a way it was. Her life would have been entirely different if she had not missed that bus. She told him that everything he did, every tiny decision he made mattered, that he had the power to change the world. <i>The butterfly effect</i>, she had called it. He had peered up at her with big, round eyes, and replied that he was not changing the world, at least he had not thought he was, or ever would, and she had just laughed, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead.</p><p>His strokes across the canvas roughened, painting the bold crest of a stormy wave.</p><p>It had stayed with him, what his mother had told him, and throughout the years he understood it a little better, <i>the chaos theory</i>, the entwinement of lives, every intricacy.</p><p>The door clicked open, startling him out of his thoughts. Renjun turned, paintbrush in hand still, and stared at the person standing there.</p><p>To know that everyone and everything in the world was connected was fascinating, it was all so complex.</p><p>
  <i>Na Jaemin was not complex though.</i>
</p><p>He was also not at all remotely interested in Renjun, so as he looked now at Jaemin, he wondered what exactly he was doing here.</p><p>He’d first seen Jaemin in the week he’d enrolled at the university. The campus wasn’t huge, and it had been by chance, a brief passing outside the art buildings on his way to class. If he had not been captivated by Jaemin, then the encounter would not have meant anything to him. But Jaemin had the most enticing face he’d ever come across in his nineteen years of existence. They had passed each other outside the entrance, and the first thing Renjun had noticed was the sultry, hazel eyes above high cheekbones, hair a light shade of brown that curled on his nape where it had grown out of its style. He had thought at the time that Jaemin’s eyes would have made the most stunning painting, they were beautiful, yet as he passed they were vacant, focused in the distance somewhere else. Jaemin had fiddled with the camera strap slung over his shoulder and exited the building without looking at Renjun, he had never expected him to.</p><p>Jaemin’s classes were in the same building as his, he’d discovered he was a photography student, and although their lessons rarely mixed, Renjun saw him around. There had been only a handful of times where the classes had joined, and on one occasion, Renjun had been washing his palette at the sink, as he felt a hand tap his shoulder. When he’d turned, he had seen Jaemin, camera poised upwards. For a moment, Renjun considered that he might want to converse, but Jaemin had simply asked him, as politely as could be done, to move out of the way so that he could photograph the sky.</p><p>In conclusion, <i>yes</i>, he knew who Jaemin was, and yes, he was probably one of the most attractive people that Renjun had ever seen, but <i>no</i>, he was certain Jaemin did not know of him. Therefore now, he assumed the interaction would play out in the same way as usual.</p><p>Renjun lowered the paintbrush, “are you looking for someone?”, he directed at Jaemin.</p><p>“I need your help.”</p><p>Jaemin stated it as a matter of fact, as though it was nothing, but Renjun could feel the heat rising to his cheeks. He looked at Jaemin, seeing the shirt that slinked off his shoulders, and the baggy denim jeans pulled around his middle, frayed at the hem above his ankles. He swallowed, “you don’t even know who I am”, he said indignantly, dismissing him and moving his paintbrush back onto the canvas.</p><p>“Yes I do, you’re Huang Renjun, and you major in Fine Arts”, Jaemin stated.</p><p>Renjun placed a stroke of paint across the canvas, pausing, “okay, you know who I am”, he flicked the brush upwards to finish the line of the sky, <i>“but what do you want?”</i></p><p>“You speak Chinese, don’t you?”</p><p>“I am Chinese”, Renjun retorted, not diverting his attention from the painting.</p><p>“Even better”, Jaemin announced, walking confidently into the room, and Renjun looked up from the canvas for long enough to see him run a hand through his hair. “I need your help”, he repeated.</p><p>“Jeno sent you, didn’t he?”, Renjun asked. <i>It must have been</i>. Jeno lived three rooms down from Renjun, a drama student in the first year, loved films, everyone’s friend, he was Renjun’s, and he just so happened to be Jaemin’s best friend too. He was the reason Renjun had learnt anything about Jaemin beyond his appearance. It was how he knew Jaemin’s name, how he knew the stories of Jaemin’s behaviour, which had not been thrilling. Na Jaemin was trouble, beautiful, <i>beautiful</i>, trouble that he would not go anywhere near.</p><p>Jaemin answered with the same unwavering smile, “he told me you’d be in here.”</p><p>Renjun sighed, <i>of course it had been Jeno</i>. He was sure the suggestion had been innocent, but he noted his own irritation. He wanted to pretend he was not interested in whatever else Jaemin had to say, he wanted to think about the painting in front of him, the strokes of his brush, the calm and the chaos, what he would do when he got back to his room, but Jaemin was still there. Worse, Jaemin was coming closer, striding as he fixed the buttons of his shirt and sat at the same dirtied table opposite him. He placed his bag on a chair.</p><p>“I’m Jaemin, I’m a photography student.” Jaemin smiled as Renjun dipped his brush into the paint again. He knew all of it already, and for a second he was tempted to tell him that they’d seen each other around, a lot. “I need you to teach me Chinese.”</p><p>“No”, Renjun answered immediately, running his paintbrush along a crumpled tissue next to the easel, trails of yellow and purple collecting on it. <i>Jaemin needed something from him</i>, it made sense. He set the paintbrush back on the table and folded his arms, “what’s that got to do with photography?”</p><p>“Nothing”, Jaemin replied, tucking his chair in closer,  “I chose it as my minor subject.” Renjun was watching him now, not his paintbrush or easel, Jaemin’s grin beginning from his irises that seemed to have been kissed by the light of the sun, “well, sort of. My laptop crashed out while I was applying, completely gone”, he gave a small laugh, “it was the only course with spaces left when I logged back in, and well”, he hesitated, “the semester isn’t going so great, and Jeno told me about you – I’ll pay you, of course”, Jaemin rambled.</p><p>“The answer’s still no”, Renjun said dryly. He saw the small pout Jaemin formed with his lips as he tilted his head – <i>shameless.</i></p><p>“The money doesn’t even tempt you?”</p><p>It was a little enticing, and the tiny corners of Renjun’s mind that worked on instinct were awakened, but he pushed the idea away, clearing his throat. “I paint and I sketch, I don’t teach, sorry.”</p><p>Jaemin looked dejected, “Jeno said you’d help me”, his smile slipped at the edges.</p><p>“It’s not going to happen”, Renjun reiterated.</p><p>Jaemin, understanding, grabbed his bag, shrugging and shaking his hair out of his eyes. His smile reappeared, lips curving up mischievously, “let me know if you change your mind.”</p><p>Renjun would not change his mind, he reminded himself of that as his heart wavered. “That’s not going to work on me”, he shot.</p><p>“Okay fine”, Jaemin said, turning on his heels to leave.</p><p>“Goodbye Jaemin”, Renjun quipped, watching as he relented and walked to the door, but Renjun was sure it was the beginning of a twisted game that he wanted to play.</p><p>Jaemin left, and Renjun burnt imaginary holes into his back as he disappeared down the corridor.</p><p>He was left listening to the humming sound of the monitor again as he picked up his paintbrush and slung it across the canvas, vowing to forget the encounter.</p><p>--</p><p>
Jaemin didn’t give up easily though, and fate was not so kind. 
</p><p>The second time their paths crossed was two days later, in the café that Renjun worked in next to the math blocks. The building was nothing fancy, just a place for students to pick up cheap food or study. He’d only started there a few weeks before, and that morning had been quiet, but it was tiring; wiping tables, serving food, drinks, it had become monotonous already. Still, it was easy money.</p><p>Renjun viewed the garish green walls, and the plastic table covering in front of him, spraying the surface with disinfectant and wiping it with the cloth in his hand. Tugging at the apron around his waist where it had risen, he returned to the cash register through the hatch in the servery, throwing the cloth in a bucket kept under the counter. He pushed up the gold rims of his glasses that rested on the bridge of his nose and caught his own reflection in the metal of the coffee machine. It was warped by the curve, but he studied the honey-brown hair framing his temples and sweeping the top of his eyebrows messily. He’d dyed it that colour in the first semester, but he could see the roots already growing out and he shook his head, ruffling it. The reflection was now further distorted by the droplets of water that formed in condensation on the metal as the pot of coffee steamed underneath it.</p><p>A hazy figure behind him joined his reflection and when he turned around he saw Jaemin, and all the feelings he’d left behind in the art room came charging through him like electricity. He hoped that Jaemin would not notice him, that he could blend back into insignificance, but there was no one else serving, he wouldn’t be so lucky. He waited, thudding footsteps against tiled flooring getting louder in the quiet café as Jaemin came closer.  He tried to concentrate on the simmering coffee pot, but instead, saw the flash of caramel hair and dark denim.</p><p>It was made worse when the footsteps stopped, and he knew Jaemin was grinning at him. He dumped the coffee pot to one side.</p><p>“It’s Huang Renjun, the art student”, Jaemin said, arm already resting casually on the counter.</p><p>Renjun wiped his hands on his apron and glared at Jaemin, “Na Jaemin, the photographer”, he replied dismissively, watching Jaemin pull his wallet out from his jeans pocket.</p><p>“What a coincidence to see you.”</p><p>“I work here.”</p><p>“I had no idea”, Jaemin commented, glancing around the café.</p><p>“I started a couple of weeks ago”, Renjun answered, followed by silence as Jaemin dug his card out from a section of the wallet and fiddled with it between his thumb and forefinger as he inspected the menu board above Renjun’s head. “What can I get you?”, he asked flatly, forming a rehearsed smile.</p><p>Jaemin drew his focus from the chalk board with the scribblings of the menu that Renjun had drawn on it that morning, “I’ll have an Americano”, he grinned, “double shot.”</p><p>Renjun wrinkled his nose in disgust and snatched the coffee pot back, holding it underneath the machine and waiting for the hot liquid to filter, hissing noisily, through the ground beans. He poured the contents into a cardboard cup from the stack next to the cash register.</p><p>“Have you changed your mind yet?”</p><p>Renjun stopped, cup still clutched in his hand as he looked at the grin Jaemin sent in his direction – <i>he would not be tempted by it</i>.  He slammed the cup down on the counter, pushing it forward with one finger. “No, I haven’t.”</p><p>Jaemin hummed and scanned his card against the reader, picking up the coffee, “no worries”, he smiled and then stopped as he was turning, staring at Renjun’s lanyard, fixed to his student ID card dangling around his neck. “Nice badge by the way”, he added, laughing as he nodded to a yellow pin with a cartoon sunshine plastered over the plastic.</p><p>Renjun huffed, turning the lanyard over in a self-conscious attempt to hide the pin, glaring at Jaemin. “Thanks”, he mumbled through gritted teeth.</p><p>It was then he decided Jaemin was absolutely insufferable, and that he had <i>absolutely</i> not changed his mind.</p><p>--</p><p>
Time seemed to pass slowly, when filled by visions of eyes that glowed like the haze of autumn and the contours of a face so beautiful. He had never been as close to Jaemin, and he concluded that it was not good for him. It felt awful to have no control over his feelings, because as much as he told himself he couldn’t stand Jaemin, that he was the epitome of everything he despised about social hierarchy, he still accompanied him in his thoughts. 
</p><p>The shift at the café ended in the early evening when the sunset had begun to throw pink and orange tones onto the stark campus buildings. It matched the warmth of the spring air, the colours in the sky, the red and the purple, amber and gold disappearing behind the clouds. Renjun wished sunsets were always as beautiful, then he’d be able to paint them forever, but the colours dipped below the skyline eventually, fading into darkness. He trekked to the other side of campus, swiping the end of his lanyard onto the pad outside his accommodation block. It beeped once and clicked open, Renjun shoving the heavy door with his shoulder.</p><p>He switched the lights in his room on and was greeted by the comforting familiarity of it as he had left it that morning. Renjun was usually tidy, he didn’t like to leave messes in the mornings that he knew he’d have to clear up after classes.</p><p>The room wasn’t extravagant, and he hadn’t brought much with him from home, only what he needed, the rest he had collected since the start of the year. He dropped his bag on the bed, eyes stopping on the pinboard covering the facing wall. Timetables, and cuttings from art magazines of landscapes, flowers and rolling hills were stuck on it, everything that he loved to paint. The desk below was not cluttered, lined with three singular cacti, and neat stacks of sketchbooks, charcoal and pencils in rows bedside them. A small wooden mannequin stood posing next to them, arms bent at its sides and head tilted slightly.</p><p>He pulled out the swivel chair and sat down, picking the figure up carefully and flipping one of his sketchbooks open to a fresh page. Twisting the arm of the mannequin so it rested on a wooden hip, he positioned it in front of him and began to sketch. It usually relaxed him, concentrating solely and distinctly on each calculated pencil stroke on the page. He tried to focus as the flicks of his hand were interpreted in the graphite as he drew aimlessly on the paper in swirls of grey.</p><p>But nothing went right, his mind was too distracted, and the pencil strokes were sloppy. Renjun pressed a little harder, frustration growing, and the graphite crumbled under the pressure, scattering onto the paper. He blew it away. But the next pencil line was delivered with just as much harshness, until he had pressed a line onto his work and scribbled it out completely, slamming the pad onto the desk and sighing.</p><p>He tore the ruined sheet from the pad, crumpling it into a ball and throwing it into the trash can under the desk.</p><p>Renjun sighed, drawing a line onto a new page, one line, and then another, but his concentration was broken by knocking at his door.</p><p>Slamming the sketchpad shut, he shoved it into the nearest desk drawer, cheeks burning with frustration.</p><p>Jeno was standing in the corridor outside his room. Renjun saw the laptop tucked under his arm, and the head of hair flopping untidily over his forehead, sweatpants and a loose vest hanging off his frame as he waited for acknowledgement.</p><p>“Hello Jeno.” Renjun scowled, hand pressed flat against the wall. Jeno did not get the hint, his smile widening. He pulled the laptop out from under his arm, holding it in front of Renjun’s face and waving it.</p><p>“Are you busy right now?” He peered inside Renjun’s room as if to check, “want to watch a movie?”, he asked, already stepping forward. Although Renjun was still annoyed with him, it was their ritual, a weekly routine, where Jeno would show up outside his room with a new movie. They’d sit on his bed watching it over a bag of whatever snacks Renjun had in his room that day.</p><p>He pulled his hand from the wall, allowing Jeno inside.</p><p>“Sure, come in.” Renjun sighed, moving back to his desk, rearranging the pile of sketchbooks on top of each other, and taking out an unopened bag of jellies from the bottom drawer. He heard the bed springs clatter as Jeno landed on them. “What movie?”, he asked, turning to see Jeno with the laptop balanced on his knees.</p><p>“I was thinking”, Jeno started typing, “I know how much you love landscapes, we’re studying this film in class, it’s low budget, filmed in Europe, Iceland, the scenery is stunning, I thought you might like it”, he grinned.</p><p>Renjun sat beside Jeno on the bed, a pillow propped up behind him, “yeah that’s fine, whatever”, he said, wriggling to get comfortable and placing the jellies between them. He needed the distraction, laughing a little as Jeno pulled out one of the candies and popped it in his mouth.</p><p>“Did Jaemin come and speak to you about the tutoring thing yet?”, Jeno asked.</p><p>Renjun tensed immediately, hoping Jeno had not noticed him shift anxiously on the bed again. “He did”, he answered stiffly, “wants me to teach him Chinese.”</p><p>“And?”</p><p>Renjun looked at Jeno, at the hopeful expression he would shatter, and placed another jelly on his tongue, “I said no.”</p><p>Jeno’s shoulders slumped, “oh.”</p><p>“I told him I don’t teach”, Renjun continued, “I don’t know why you suggested me in the first place.”</p><p>“Because you can help him”, Jeno muttered.</p><p>“No offence, but I don’t even know him”, Renjun said, diverting his eyes to the laptop and watching Jeno rake through his files, clicking one so the menu of the film flashed onto the screen. He hesitated over the play button.</p><p>“He really needs those classes you know, he’ll get kicked off his photography course if he fails his minor.”</p><p>Renjun knew Jeno had not meant to make him feel bad, but he felt a small pang of guilt then - <i>Jaemin had skipped over that in his proposal.</i></p><p>He didn’t answer, keeping his stare fixed on the laptop.</p><p>Jeno pressed play, and the thoughts drifted away as he lost them in the scenery of the movie.</p><p>--</p><p>
Renjun did not know what had compelled him to say yes. 
</p><p>He had also not considered the consequences, the spiralling effect on his life, because when he’d seen Jaemin beside the lake the next day after his textiles class, he had been drawn to him.</p><p>Jaemin stood beneath one of the cherry trees, with his camera lens pointing up to one of the low hanging blossoms. Renjun could see the shimmer of the midday sun across the back of his shirt, the breeze that caught in his hair and the curve of his body as he stretched up to frame the subject.  He paused as Renjun got closer, lowering his camera slowly.  A rush of adrenaline hit Renjun as their eyes met but he quickly frowned and folded his arms as Jaemin suddenly raised the camera again, pressing down on the button on top. His glare deepened as he watched Jaemin stare at the screen and let out a low chuckle.</p><p>“You should smile more”, he commented, studying the candid photograph.</p><p>Renjun scowled, “why did you do that?”</p><p>“Why are you here?”, Jaemin grinned.</p><p>Renjun didn’t want to admit defeat, to fit perfectly as a piece of Jaemin’s game, but as he looked at him then, his shoulders sunk, and he unfolded his arms. “I’ll help you”, he stated, “I’ll do the tutoring.”</p><p>Jaemin lowered the camera and let it dangle beside his chest as he raised an eyebrow, “you will?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Renjun met Jaemin’s stare coldly, “I could use the money.” Jaemin smiled again then. “What are you doing out here anyway?”, he continued, glancing at the tree branches hanging over their heads.  Jaemin followed, peering at the canopy of blossoms.</p><p>“I saw them from the window of the studio”, Jaemin motioned to the blossoms, “I couldn’t help it, the sun shining through them, and the lake behind, I had to come out here. I like taking photos of pretty things.”</p><p>Renjun dismissed the comment with a faint nod, but he had been listening to every word. “Be at mine at seven tomorrow”, he rushed, and he saw Jaemin’s attention focus to him, “I’m assuming that you know that I live three rooms from Jeno”, he turned to walk away, taking the first step dismissively.</p><p>“I knew you’d change your mind”, Jaemin called after him.</p><p>“Don’t push it”, Renjun returned, and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans, kicking the grass.</p><p>--</p><p>
When Jaemin knocked at his room the next day at seven, Renjun was waiting for him, sitting on the edge of his bed with his hands in his lap. He’d already tidied, it hadn’t taken long for him to clear the mess on his shelves and throw his filled sketchbooks into a drawer out of sight. He walked to the door and opened it, Jaemin waiting outside, hair dishevelled, the usual bag slung over his shoulder. 
</p><p>“Come in”, Renjun said flatly, Jaemin following him.</p><p>“Thanks.” Jaemin looked around Renjun’s room as he slid his shoes off and left them near the door. His attention was stolen by the canvases stacked against the wall, the mass of yellow that covered them. He tilted his head to examine each one slowly. “Did you do all of those yourself?”, he asked.</p><p>“Yeah, they’re just old ones I don’t know what to do with.”</p><p>“You’re really talented”, Jaemin breathed, and the spark of gentleness in his voice was without its usual sarcasm, “they’re very good”, he paused, laughing, and the grin was back, “very yellow.”</p><p>“It’s my favourite colour.”</p><p>“I figured.”</p><p>It was uncomfortable following the encounter, and Renjun swiped his phone off the desk, pushing it into his pocket. “You can sit on the bed”, he said to Jaemin, sitting on the mattress himself. Jaemin joined beside him. “What are you struggling with?”</p><p>Jaemin unzipped his bag to pull out a textbook and papers, setting them on the bedsheets, some of them a little crumpled from where they had been handled carelessly. “Pronunciation.” He flipped the pages with his thumb, “this part”, he held the textbook up.</p><p>Renjun took it from him, placing it on his knees and studying the pages as he clicked his tongue absentmindedly, “right, okay”, he followed the words with his finger, “try reading this bit out.” He placed the textbook back down, feeling Jaemin edge closer to lean over and repeat the words aloud. He could smell Jaemin’s cologne, the distinct fragrance of lavender and musk making his stomach twist at the realisation of their proximity. Still, he tried to concentrate, flustered as Jaemin began to read the words hesitantly. Renjun watched Jaemin’s lips form the beginning of each syllable as he spoke.</p><p><i>He would not be tempted</i>, but he’d already been tempted this far.</p><p>The smug smile on Jaemin’s face indicated that perhaps he had noticed Renjun staring, but he couldn’t be certain. He coughed, stare hardening as he swallowed, “almost, but you need to put more emphasis on this part”, he pointed to the page, “the intonation is off, it needs to go up here, not down.”</p><p>Jaemin tried again, and Renjun saw him form the words messily, he couldn’t help but smile each time Jaemin looked at him for guidance.</p><p>“That was better.” Renjun commented and closed the book, “now say it back to me without reading it.”</p><p>Jaemin stammered as he spoke the words, and Renjun tried to focus, but he was distracted. So distracted that he hadn’t noticed when Jaemin had stopped speaking, until he zoned back into the silence. He’d known tutoring Jaemin would be a bad idea, and now he was certain of it. The tension didn’t ease for the next hour, and at the end of the session, Jaemin snapped the textbook shut quickly and shoved it back in his bag.</p><p>“I’d better get going, I’m meeting someone”, Jaemin rushed, digging into his pocket to pull out a handful of folded cash. He passed it to Renjun.</p><p>Renjun straightened the crinkled bedsheet, “oh, where are you going?”, he asked innocently, watching as Jaemin walked to the door and grabbed the metal handle, pausing.</p><p>“Round hers”, he answered, winking and pulling the door open.</p><p>It was ridiculous, how Renjun’s heart sank, he was sure that it wasn’t meant to - such feelings only came out of <i>love</i>. Maybe it hurt to serve as a reminder of everything that he could not have. “I’ll see you next week”, he said, forcing a smile.</p><p>When Jaemin had left, Renjun pulled the sketchbook out of his desk drawer and slumped back onto the bed. Carefully, he began to draw soft lines onto the page.</p><p>--</p><p>
Two weeks passed the same way, Renjun had art classes, did his hours at the café, helped Jaemin with his Chinese every Wednesday at seven. Then Jaemin left, and Renjun sketched. There was not a lot to it, it was not complex. <i>Jaemin</i> was not complex, he still told himself.
</p><p>It was on the fourth week that it did become complex, when Renjun got dangerously close to something that might be considered real.</p><p>They had fallen into a routine.  Jaemin knocked, and Renjun let him in, returning to his bed. Jaemin sat beside him, opening his textbook to a new page.</p><p>“What do you want to work on today?”, Renjun asked.</p><p>“I was practising during the week - my tenses need a lot of work.” Jaemin pressed his palm into the spine of the book to flatten the pages, “we’ve got a mid-term in two weeks, l need to know this stuff for it”, he glanced down at the paper again.</p><p>He listened to Renjun’s explanations, repeating each one back to him. All of that was fine, it was what they had agreed. The small talk was what had made Renjun stammer, made his words stumble, small talk had not been part of the agreement, and in fact, the talk had not been so small, rather more intrusive.</p><p>Jaemin had started it.</p><p>“How’s your week going?”, Jaemin asked nonchalantly at the end of the lesson, leaning back on the bed and pulling out his phone to check his messages.</p><p>Renjun was suspicious, “it’s alright”, he answered, “how’s yours, anymore dates?”</p><p>Jaemin laughed, “Renjun, you’re so traditional, those weren’t really <i>dates</i>.”</p><p>“You aren’t dating?”</p><p>“Not as such”, Jaemin wiggled his eyebrows, earning an eyeroll from Renjun.</p><p>“I don’t understand”, Renjun said bluntly, and Jaemin’s attention was pulled away from the phone. Renjun saw his eyes, <i>the eyes that were so beautiful</i>, and he didn’t want to look away from them.</p><p>“I’m not really into serious relationships.” Jaemin shoved his phone back into his pocket and started to pack his bag. Renjun scolded himself then, for being fooled, for falling into their trap, <i>it was all a game to Jaemin</i>, it must have been, nothing meant anything to him. When silence ensued, Jaemin filled the void, “how about you?”, he asked.</p><p>“Me?”, Renjun scoffed.</p><p>“Yeah, you.”</p><p>Renjun tugged instinctively at his sleeve, “I prefer to be on my own.”</p><p>“So, you know what I mean then?”</p><p>Renjun felt irritation stirring in his stomach as he let go of his sleeve and threw his hands into his lap, “no Jaemin, I don’t <i>know what you mean</i> ”, he hissed. “What is it to you anyway? It’s my life.”</p><p>“You’ve not dated?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Casual relationships?”</p><p>“No, Jaemin.”</p><p>“You’ve kissed someone though?”</p><p>There was a stagnant pause as Renjun thought, he had almost dated, he had almost kissed someone this year. He’d sat opposite him in his pottery class. In between moulding clay and listening to their professor rambling, the two of them had exchanged nervous glances, and Renjun could not deny his attraction to the boy, so he had plucked up the courage to ask him on a date, and to his relief the boy had said yes. Renjun had taken him to one of the art galleries in the city centre, but he wasn’t sure he’d enjoyed it, <i>because it had been their only date</i>. Perhaps a gallery had not been romantic enough, or he’d been bored as Renjun had taken the time to read each tiny plaque underneath the paintings and sculptures, he’d never received an explanation.</p><p>He pulled the textbook out of Jaemin’s lap and forced it shut, glancing out of the window at the darkness that had begun to spill into the room, “no, I’ve not kissed anyone, can we stop talking about it?”</p><p>“That’s lonely.”</p><p>Renjun’s voice wavered a little as he replied, “well I like it.”</p><p>Jaemin shook his head, “it’s not a big deal, you don’t need to be embarrassed”, he laughed, and Renjun watched his lips, he couldn’t help it. They were warm and inviting, a complete contradiction to the words that fell from them.</p><p>“It is”, Renjun said, flustered. The feelings were a little too intense, he would not be fooled like that. Instead, he tried to stare at the floor, at the paintings against the wall, but his eyes flicked back to Jaemin. Jaemin, the pictures, a quick exchange, the flashes of yellow, the comfort, and the danger of the lips so close to him. When he looked up, Jaemin was silently watching him.</p><p>It happened without warning, Jaemin’s face came closer, and then the lips were on his in a soft kiss. Renjun was certain that it must have been a twisted dream, but the lips started to move gently, and the feeling that arose in him was immense. Beginning as a fragile tug at the pit of his stomach, a drop, that turned to heat rising in his throat, catching there, he’d not guessed that kisses would feel like that. He didn’t know what he had been expecting, but it wasn’t that. Jaemin didn’t linger for long, but Renjun made attempts to move his own lips in response, lost in a moment he waited to be stolen from him, because fantasies didn’t belong in the real world. It was firm enough to be called a real kiss, but still soft and cautious. Renjun was angry, but it disappeared into the kiss, leaving only a strange warm glow.</p><p>Jaemin’s kiss held deceit though, and when he pulled away, he laughed like it was nothing, because to him it was that; <i>nothing</i>. Renjun couldn’t believe that he had ever been cast under his spell in the first place. So that was Jaemin’s game, that no one could have him, but he liked to pretend they could. Renjun needed to play with caution.</p><p>Renjun watched as Jaemin leant back. “Why did you kiss me?”, he shot.</p><p>“You said you hadn’t kissed anyone”, Jaemin stated, tilting his head to the side, “there, now you have.”</p><p>Renjun frowned, “a pity kiss then?”</p><p>“Not exactly”, Jaemin answered, and sat up, smirking, “you’re terrible at it by the way, and you’re blushing.” Jaemin pulled out the usual stack of cash, holding it out.</p><p>“Well, you’re terrible at Chinese”, Renjun retorted, glaring at Jaemin. As much as he’d become accustomed to it, he hated losing.</p><p>Renjun shook his head, putting a hand on top of Jaemin’s outstretched palm. It was warm, but he pushed it away. <i>Jaemin was trouble, but he would play trouble at its own game.</i></p><p>“Teach me how to kiss then”, Renjun stated.</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“Teach me how to kiss instead.”</p><p>Renjun felt the tug of a smile at his lips, thinking then that he’d won - two could play the game that Jaemin had initiated. He waited for Jaemin to refuse, but he smiled instead, shoving the money back into his bag.</p><p>“Alright then”, Jaemin said causally. Renjun had not expected that answer, nor did he know what to do now that he had received it, and so he sat frozen. “It’s not a big deal”, Jaemin added when Renjun didn’t speak, “I kiss a lot of people.”</p><p>“I realise that”, Renjun shuffled on the bed, catching the autumn eyes again, hooded under Jaemin’s unkempt hair - he couldn’t let himself fall that easily. “What do I need to do then?”, he snapped, breaking the tension.</p><p>Renjun felt Jaemin reach forward and pull his glasses off, dropping them carefully on the bed, “take those off for a start.” He allowed Jaemin to place his fingers on his chin, and with his thumb, gently pull down to open his mouth a fraction.</p><p>He could not control the breath that hitched when Jaemin’s lips contacted his again, slowly as he kept his finger’s on Renjun’s chin, moving lightly and pulling away to speak against them, “so, we’re trading now are we?”</p><p>“Looks like it”, Renjun replied, running high on the rush brought on by the lips on his.</p><p>“That’s all”, Jaemin confirmed.</p><p><i>“That’s all”</i>, Renjun repeated back, giving a small nod of his head.</p><p>Jaemin closed the gap again, guiding Renjun with his movements as he eased into the touch.</p><p>The kisses kept coming, and so did the new sensations Renjun felt each time, searing his skin with invisible fire. Between the thrill, there was also a sense of smugness that reached him, the thrill of where he had Jaemin.</p><p>He told Jaemin afterwards it meant nothing, that they did not owe each other a thing as he watched him reach calmly for his bag and throw it over his shoulder.</p><p>Once he was gone, Renjun pulled his sketchbook out from the drawer, newly inspired, and began to sketch, letting his impulses control the movements. It was only then, while he drew each line across the paper, that he processed what had happened.</p><p>He would never fall for Jaemin, and Jaemin would never fall for him, Jaemin had made the mess and Renjun had perpetuated it, even if it was just a business agreement. All the same, Renjun couldn’t ignore the thumping of his heart.</p><p>It meant nothing to Jaemin.</p><p>Renjun would never, <i>ever</i>, tell Jaemin that it meant something to him.</p><p>--</p><p>
The thought of Jaemin’s lips stayed with Renjun. 
</p><p>He knew he thought a lot, but he had never been stuck on the same idea for so long. It was there during classes, when he stayed late adding paint to the waves of his seascape, in the hours at the café, until those lips were in front of him again at the end of each tutoring session, and he had no way to escape.</p><p>When Jaemin kissed him this time, he cupped Renjun’s face with his hands, textbook abandoned. Renjun allowed himself to enjoy it, to savour its falseness because it wouldn’t last, <i>play the game</i>, he reminded himself as the lips came closer and he rested his hands hesitantly on Jaemin’s waist. The satisfaction of hearing the small groan Jaemin let out as the kiss deepened was enough to let Renjun know that he was enjoying it too, <i>enjoying Renjun’s lips</i>. Jaemin’s tongue dragged along his bottom lip. Renjun pulled away sharply.</p><p>“What are you doing?”, he shot.</p><p>Jaemin looked concerned for a moment, the expression soon melting away as he laughed a little, “just relax”, he whispered, and Renjun tried his best to stay calm, unclenching the fists he hadn’t realised he had balled. He felt another soft kiss against his lips, more chaste, and then Jaemin drew back, checking for his response. When Renjun nodded, Jaemin joined their lips again, pressing a little harder and yielding a soft moan. Renjun confidence grew and he slowly opened his mouth and let Jaemin in to deepen the kiss.</p><p>In a place where feelings were not meant to be, there were butterflies in his stomach throughout, and they were still there when Jaemin pulled away, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and grinning.</p><p>“That was good”, he teased, making Renjun’s cheeks flush even more pink.</p><p>“You’re an asshole”, Renjun mumbled, throwing his bag at him, and laughing as it collided with his chest. Jaemin smiled at Renjun, a smile that seemed at least the smallest bit sincere, sincere enough to ignite a glimmer of trust. Renjun panicked and snubbed the flame out immediately, until it became dying embers, ashes, as Jaemin walked away.</p><p>He pulled out his sketchbook, repeating the routine, and the flame reignited just the slightest bit.</p><p>--</p><p>
Renjun was right to have been cautious. 
</p><p>He’d spent Sunday in the library, and in between researching world renowned artists, and painting techniques, he’d had the time to print Jaemin some extra notes. Jaemin had told him he had a test in a few days, it didn’t count towards any final grading, but they could have been of use. He’d tucked the sheets between the pages of his sketchbook to prevent them from becoming crinkled in his bag.</p><p>On Monday, he looked for Jaemin in the photography studio, but he had not been in there, he hadn’t seen him at all, and in the evening when it had already grown dark outside, he’d gone to the one person he thought might actually know where Jaemin could be.</p><p>He knocked at Jeno’s room, and after waiting outside it, notes gripped in his hand, the door slowly opened.</p><p>“You alright?”, Jeno asked, yawning. Renjun guessed it must have been another night Jeno promised himself he would study but ended up falling asleep with his textbook resting on his chest. Renjun glanced behind Jeno at his messy room, seeing the low lighting, and the old film posters on the wall, ‘vintage’, as Jeno described them.</p><p>“What’s up?”, Jeno asked, attempting a sleepy smile as he rubbed his eyes with his hands, still dazed, but he focused on the notes Renjun held out in front of him, “what are those?”</p><p>“Just some notes for Jaemin, I was wondering if you knew where he’d be?”</p><p>Jeno frowned, more awake now, “you said yes?”</p><p>“Didn’t he tell you?”</p><p>“No, he didn’t.”</p><p>Renjun supposed Jaemin had no reason to tell him, it wasn’t that important, he had even less reason to tell Jeno about the <i>kissing</i>. “Oh, well, I’m his tutor now”, Renjun said, smiling as he found himself thinking of kissing Jaemin, “and I want to drop these notes to him, so I thought you might be able to tell me where he lives.”</p><p>“In the blocks next to the science labs, ground floor, apartment ten”, Jeno answered but as Renjun began to turn he hesitated, “wait”, he rushed, and Renjun stopped. “I don’t think he’ll be there tonight, he said he was meeting someone, I didn’t ask, I usually just let him get on with stuff like that”, Jeno finished awkwardly.</p><p>Renjun had not needed Jeno to finish, he’d already guessed what he was going to say, and to what he was inferring. His smile dropped then, and he clutched the stack of papers a little tighter, feeling them go limp under his grip. “Right”, he murmured quietly.</p><p>He hoped Jeno hadn’t noticed the change in his demeanour, but the concern on his face told him that he had, and he’d seen the look before. It reminded him of the first time he’d met Jeno, on the day he’d moved into his room.  Renjun had been struggling to carry all of his boxes from the van. Jeno had noticed him, introduced himself, and five minutes later he’d been helping Renjun haul them into his room and onto the bed. That was why Jeno was everyone’s friend, always had time for everyone, selflessly thinking of others before himself.  Renjun hoped he would find someone who appreciated him although sadly he thought that one day he would get hurt because of it.</p><p>“But the lessons are going alright, aren’t they?”, Jeno asked.</p><p>“Yeah, they’re fine.”</p><p>Jeno hesitated again, sighing. “Do you want to come in? We can watch another movie, you can choose.”</p><p>Renjun smiled weakly, “thanks Jeno, but I think I’ll go back to my room, it’s late. I’ll give them to him when I next see him.”</p><p>“Alright”, Jeno looked a little bewildered, “I’ll let him know to come and find you if I see him.”</p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p>Renjun returned to his room, and finally the feelings that he didn’t understand came surging through him at once, the shock, pain, and then anger towards himself.  It made him realise that he had forgotten that Jaemin was not his, he was no one’s, and Renjun wasn’t going to change that. To get hurt at the prospect of Jaemin with others – <i>pathetic.</i></p><p>He’d told himself that he wouldn’t lose the game, but this defeat grounded him.</p><p>There was no inspiration for his sketches that night, he threw them back into his drawer.</p><p>--</p><p>
The next time he saw Jaemin, he succumbed to the feelings that seized him again. 
</p><p>Renjun hated it, but his heart raced, and his stomach tied in knots as he heard the familiar knock. Without acknowledging him, he left the door open and headed back to sit on his bed. He listened to Jaemin shrug his jacket off and hang it on the back of the door, footsteps following until the mattress dipped beside him.</p><p>“I printed these for you”, Renjun snapped, and reached for the notes on the table next to the bed. They creased when he slammed them into Jaemin’s lap with disregard, watching him stare at them, “they’re just extra notes.”</p><p>“Thanks”, Jaemin replied, cocking an eyebrow as he skimmed the sheets, swapping them for the textbook, which Renjun snatched off him.</p><p>He flicked through a few pages then set it back in Jaemin’s lap. “Start with chapter two, exercise one”, Renjun stated as he began to chew on his lip.</p><p>“Are you alright?”, Jaemin asked, clearly taken aback.</p><p>“Never been better.”</p><p>The frustration was there in every short sentence he threw at Jaemin, and it made the time pass awkwardly, but Renjun could not bring himself to shrug it off.</p><p>At the end of the lesson, Renjun waited by the door, and after more awkward silence, and uncertain glances, he nodded, and Jaemin leaned in and kissed him hard on the lips. He’d met the kiss with an equal amount of intensity, <i>Jaemin belonged to nobody</i>. Therefore, he would take his little piece and keep it for himself - he was nobody. The anger he vowed to discard, the heated emotions, were still there, and he let it all out into the kiss, his eyes squeezed shut as he took the lead and pushed assertively into Jaemin’s open mouth.</p><p>He felt his back pushed against the wall softly and gasped, but neither he nor Jaemin seemed to want to stop. It felt empty, but it had always been empty, nothing more than the gratification it delivered. He wanted to put everything into the kiss, as if to say, <i>look what you’re missing</i>, but he didn’t know what Jaemin was missing – it was just a game.</p><p>They broke apart, and Renjun’s eyes flew open, Jaemin still in front of him, breathing heavily.</p><p>Then, Jaemin reached for his jacket on the back of the door and walked away.</p><p>--</p><p>
The next time he saw Jaemin he’d been in one of his morning classic painting classes. The sun’s rays were slipping through the window, spilling light over the canvases in the classroom. It was quiet, everyone too focused on their work for idle conversation, Renjun appreciated that, and set another brush stroke against the painting he’d started that week. It was a sunset, formed across a broad horizon and glowing with colours that glittered in the light of the actual sun. 
</p><p>It was ironic, when Jaemin came through the door, because painting was the one place that Renjun could avoid his own thoughts, it was his distraction. Seeing Jaemin brought it all back, from the world of colour splashed on the canvas to the figure in the doorway that had disturbed the silence with clumsy footsteps.</p><p>He knew Jaemin had seen him, but there was not a hint of recognition in his face, all Renjun saw was the empty void as Jaemin began to cross the room, past Renjun’s table to a shelving unit by the window, taking a ring light from a bunch of them on the middle shelf. He turned, still not acknowledging Renjun as he exited the classroom.</p><p>Renjun watched him leave. He had not realised that he’d been so shameful to Jaemin that he would pretend that he did not know him, <i>it was cruel</i>, but Jaemin didn’t owe him anything, he tried to remind himself. The bitterness was still there, rooted deep in the corners of his heart.</p><p>He stared blankly back at his canvas, brushing another uninspired stroke across the edge of the sunset.</p><p>--</p><p>
It had been two days later, when he had returned to his accommodation in the evening and gone to the kitchen. 
</p><p>He hadn’t had time to eat in the art room, and hoped then, that the kitchen would be empty, but when he saw the light shining through the glass panel in the door, he knew luck was not on his side. The kitchen was shared between eight, so it was difficult to catch a moment of privacy. Renjun usually avoided it when it was busy, but he could already feel the hunger pangs in his stomach. He entered, met with the stark light that glared in his eyes, and hushed voices that became mute upon noticing him.  He looked at the table, Jeno and Jaemin staring at him. It was silent as Renjun glanced at the bag of chips between them, Jaemin’s feet propped up on one of the chairs.</p><p>“Hi Renjun”, Jeno tried, smiling at him.</p><p>Renjun walked to the refrigerator, rummaging on his shelf and taking a plastic container out. “Carry on”, he said, “I’m just making food, I’ll be gone in a minute”. He took the tub to the counter, pulling out a plate from his cupboard and throwing the leftover slices of pizza on it. Feeling the eyes on him, he tried to continue as usual, shoving the plate into the microwave. It steamed when he took it out and he carefully carried it towards the door.</p><p>He had expected silence as he left and had expected Jeno and Jaemin to then continue their conversation. What he had not expected was for Jeno to call out his name.</p><p>He turned, seeing Jeno smile. Jaemin was staring at the table but his head rose to meet his gaze for a second, before looking down again.</p><p>“Come and join us”, Jeno said, pulling out the chair next to him.</p><p>Renjun walked to it, throwing the plate down and slumping in the chair. He picked up one of the pizza slices and bit down.</p><p>“You came back late”, Jeno commented and out of the corner of his eye, Renjun could see Jaemin’s interest perk up, he fiddled with his key, running his fingers over it as he listened. “I was just saying to Jaemin that I hadn’t seen you all day.”</p><p>“I was painting, I got carried away with it and didn’t realise the time.” Renjun took another bite of pizza.</p><p>“Of course”, Jeno laughed, but Renjun could tell it was forced.</p><p>Renjun ate in silence, listening as Jeno rambled to Jaemin about a film he’d watched, Jaemin nodding at intervals, adding short comments here and there. Renjun looked down at his plate the whole time.</p><p>It was when Jeno got up to leave that it became dangerous. He hadn’t realised the time, and still had a drama assignment to finish that was due the next day. Jeno apologised, telling Jaemin that he could let himself out when he wanted to. Then there had been only silence as Renjun finished the remainder of the pizza. He guessed Jaemin would leave immediately, but he didn’t, he didn’t do anything.</p><p>Renjun stood, dumping his empty plate in the sink, walking to the door and tugging on the handle.</p><p>“Wait.”</p><p>Renjun turned and glared at Jaemin, “what?”</p><p>“Stay.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>Jaemin looked hesitantly up at him, still twisting his door key,  pressing it into his palm, “we can just talking, or something.”</p><p>“Why would I want to talk to you?”, Renjun asked, letting go of the handle but not moving. Through the harsh light, he could see all of Jaemin, it was not forgiving, his eyes showed sadness. It had escaped through the only part where Renjun ever saw Jaemin’s emotions, in his eyes. “You don’t want to talk to me.”</p><p>“That’s not true.” Jaemin folded his arms, foot dropping from the chair as he sat up, “I like you”, he said, “you intrigue me.”</p><p>“Great”, Renjun retorted sarcastically, returning to a chair and huffing as he dropped down, “Is that it, I’m an intrigue to you?”</p><p>“You’re interesting”, Jaemin insisted.</p><p>“You don’t even know me”, Renjun cast a dry laugh in his direction this time.</p><p>“Let’s get to know each other then”, Jaemin shot quickly, but his next sentence came out mumbled and incoherent, as though he had only considered then the weight of his words and how they had sounded, “it’ll help us work together better if we do.”</p><p>Renjun leant back in the chair, an idea striking as he sprung forward, “okay.” He reached out, taking Jaemin’s wrist and prying the key from his hand. Jaemin’s head snapped up, lips pressed together tightly as he looked from Renjun’s smirking face to the key. “We’ll talk, get to know each other, you can say a fact about yourself, or ask the other person a question, or give an answer”, he set the key back on the table and tucked his chair in so he was closer to Jaemin, “It’ll be an exchange, whoever has the key is the person that’s allowed to speak.”</p><p>Jaemin scoffed, “what is this, elementary school?”, he laughed, Renjun glaring as Jaemin swiped the key off the table and twisted it, the metal glinting. “I’ll go first then”, he said, tilting his head to consider what to say next. “I was born in Busan, I moved to Seoul when I was ten.” He handed the key to Renjun, “and you?”</p><p>“I’m from Jilin, and I came here in summer vacation last year”, Renjun stated, feeling the residual heat on the metal from Jaemin’s palm, “I’m an only child.”</p><p>Jaemin took the key, “I’ve got a sister.”</p><p>Renjun was passed the key back, “I like yellow”, he said, and Jaemin seemed as though he were about to say something, but Renjun waved the key in his direction and smiled smugly, silencing him.</p><p>“Why?”, Jaemin asked once he had been handed the key again, passing it back quickly to Renjun, who thought before giving his answer.</p><p>“I don’t know, I just think it’s a really beautiful colour, you know, to paint, you must know how it looks in photos too, sunsets, and beaches, all of those places, they’re all yellow aren’t they?” He could tell that Jaemin was watching him speak, and when he tried to give the key back to him, his fingertip ran against his hand accidently, dropping the key quickly into Jaemin’s outstretched palm, but neither of them were looking at it.</p><p>Jaemin coughed and closed his hand around it. “I hadn’t really thought about that, I’m more into lighting and shade.”</p><p>When Renjun took the key, he was unsure what had compelled him to say what he had, perhaps it was the sound of Jaemin’s laughter, or perhaps it had been building since the moment he entered the kitchen, but he stared at Jaemin before speaking, “are you going to ignore me next time you see me, next time we’re out in the open?”, he laughed, “are you just going to pretend I don’t exist?” He gave the key back to Jaemin, whose face had become a little paler.</p><p>“Renjun I-, we said we didn’t owe each other anything.”</p><p>“I didn’t say ignore me completely, act like I’m not there, like we’ve never spoken”, Renjun’s voice had risen a little, the tinges of venom present in it, “you didn’t even tell Jeno that I was tutoring you”, he hissed, “am I that embarrassing, can’t we at least be civil?”</p><p>Jaemin looked at him pitifully, then lowered his head and mumbled quietly, “you weren’t holding the key.”</p><p>Renjun snatched the key out of Jaemin’s hand and slammed it on the table in exasperation, “the point is”, he said, voice still raised, “why are you trying to talk to me now? You don’t want to know that I exist every other time that we aren’t on our own.”</p><p>Jaemin lowered his head, glaring at the table. “I’m sorry”, he answered, and he sounded honest, there was a rawness that Renjun had not seen.</p><p>“It’s fine”, Renjun said coldly, “I expected nothing less from you, it’s why I didn’t want to help you in the first place.” He sank back against the tattered kitchen chair and sighed. He considered how close Jaemin was, caught again by the eyes, he didn’t realise how soft they could be, darkness with flecks of hazel that flickered with hurt. Jaemin had never looked so vulnerable before.  He softened as he watched Jaemin searching for words, silenced by Renjun’s outburst, and the contrast struck him. “But you’re not like that now,”  he whispered.</p><p>It was Jaemin that leant in first, pressing his lips cautiously against Renjun’s, very carefully, very softly, and in that moment, Renjun felt Jaemin’s thoughts and emotions shared in the kiss, in the tenderness of it, spread out like the wings of a butterfly, as though Jaemin was in full bloom, soul laid bare for a split second in time, a turning point of sorts. It was unfamiliar, Jaemin’s lips placed as innocently as they could be against his, something so rare that to him it was more special than the bloom of any butterfly, as fragile as those wings were. Renjun placed a hand on his cheek, stroking it naturally. They’d practised enough times.</p><p>For a second they’d connected, equals, without ego or motive, but it was stolen when Jaemin broke away, snatching the key off the table and stuffing it into his pocket. He stood from the chair, “I should go”, he murmured.</p><p>Renjun was worn out by the game they had created, and once Jaemin had left, once his heart had shifted back to its usual rate, he stared around the empty kitchen, and put his head in his hands.</p><p>--</p><p>
Jeno had a lot of bad ideas, and Renjun believed that the party the following weekend was perhaps his worst one yet. 
</p><p>It was at a second-year student’s house. Renjun didn’t know their name, but Jeno had been invited, and in turn he had invited Renjun too. He’d had to practically beg Renjun to join him, house parties weren’t his idea of the perfect night, being someone that much preferred the quiet. Still, he’d put on a pair of skinny jeans, and a black leather jacket he’d found at the bottom of a pile of clothes in the back of his wardrobe, which now, as he and Jeno walked past the rows of houses in the darkness, was pulled tight around him. He felt the chill from the evening air and was glad of it as they passed through the gate at the entrance to the house.</p><p>It hadn’t taken long for Renjun to down the first drink, and then the second, feeling the rush of the alcohol. He’d lost Jeno in the crowd, and the blare of music filled his head, the blur of people, and the dizziness, but he could still comprehend all of his actions, tipsy on the drink but high of the feeling of adrenalin.</p><p>That’s why he hadn’t minded too much when he’d been approached. He was a little taller than Renjun, a little broader, and his face was gentle as he smiled kindly, speaking over the music.</p><p>“Hey”, he shouted, but Renjun was not interested anymore, distracted by the figure leaning on the wall across the room, revealed when the boy bent in to speak to him.</p><p>It was Jaemin, even through the darkness, Renjun could tell that it was him, propped against the wall with a cup in his hand, which he sipped from as he glanced at Renjun furtively. His shirt hung loose around his collar, two or three buttons left undone, and his faded jeans were ripped at the knees. He’d not seen Jaemin since the kitchen encounter, and he’d been glad of it, but in such a small space, he felt like he was trapped all over again.</p><p>Jaemin did not break the gaze as he lowered the cup from his lips, flicking the hair out of his eyes, but he did not smile.</p><p>Renjun stared at the boy again as he drank from his own cup, the alcohol fizzing on his tongue. He smiled, nodding towards the couch and the boy followed him there. Jaemin’s eyes did too, and as he sat down, the boy beside him, he locked gazes with Jaemin. This time he couldn’t help his own gleeful smile, to tease him, to tempt Jaemin perhaps, it made him feel good.</p><p>He discovered that he quite enjoyed the boy’s company, although they hadn’t stopped to exchange formalities, names or subjects, and when Renjun had got up to use the bathroom, he had forgotten. He had forgotten because Jaemin had pushed off the wall and followed him, the nameless boy was gone from his thoughts.</p><p>The corridor was quieter, not filled with the buzz of people, but when Renjun put his hand on the door of the bathroom, he heard Jaemin speak.</p><p>“It’s not nice to flirt with people you aren’t even interested in, you know?”, Jaemin slurred a little, Renjun could tell he was drunk. He tried to ignore him and push on the door again, but Jaemin kept talking, “Are you going to kiss him?”</p><p>“What does it matter to you?”, Renjun snapped back.</p><p>“I bet you don’t even know his name”, Jaemin laughed, “What are you doing?”</p><p>Renjun turned to him, as he moved closer than he had been before. “I’m playing you at your own game”, Renjun replied, laughing weakly. He felt rather more like crying, but held the tears in with another wry laugh, “that’s what you want, isn’t it, a game?” He bit his lip but let go quickly. “That’s what it’s always been, me and you, I sit and wait for you to kiss me like it means something to you, and then you fuck around, and we have to act like we haven’t got a clue who the other is”, Renjun put his hand on the door, twisting the handle so that it opened, “I’m tired of it”, he said, and Jaemin came closer, “I’m so tired of it, so I’m playing the game, <i>Jaemin</i>.”</p><p>Jaemin took another step forward, and Renjun shut the door behind them, they stumbled into the bathroom and then they were still, both silent, the alcohol had taken full effect on their control, pushed their limits. The pounding beat of the music could still be heard faintly through the crack in the door as Renjun reached forward and locked it, blocking it as he leant back against it.</p><p>Then he felt Jaemin reach for his arm, running his fingers up his leather sleeves until they met his collar, then he held his face between his hands. Even in his drunk state, the hold was gentle. Renjun watched Jaemin’s eyes trail down him, past his collarbones, and then back up to his face.</p><p>“What?”, Renjun asked, laughing a little, anger forgotten somewhere between the corridor and the back of the bathroom door.</p><p>Jaemin’s gaze lingered, “you look <i>hot</i>”, he breathed, and Renjun reached out and stroked his cheek carelessly.</p><p>That was enough to push them both over the edge, and for the following minutes they forgot what they were, where they were, making out in the bathroom of some stranger’s house.  For Renjun, Jaemin’s lips felt too good for him to consider that. It’d happened all at once, he couldn’t remember who had initiated it, but it’d not been gentle, fuelled by anger, and alcohol, and unspoken secrets that burned like fire on both of their tongues. Hands explored, Jaemin’s on Renjun’s nape tugging at his hair, and Renjun’s up Jaemin’s shirt. He couldn’t recall all of it exactly, and frankly, they were far too inebriated to care about the little details.</p><p>It was only the knock on the door that had disturbed them, broken them out of their sanctuary.</p><p><i>“Renjun?</i>”, the voice outside called, he knew it was Jeno, <i>“are you in there?”</i></p><p>Renjun looked at Jaemin with wide eyes, removing his hand from underneath his shirt and sliding it below the sleeve of his jacket, trying to hide it away. Jaemin seemed panicked, but let out a shaky breath, straightening his shirt and raking his fingers through his hair. He pulled an arm around Renjun’s shoulder and started to unlock the door.</p><p>“Just go with it”, he whispered. It clicked loudly, opening as Jaemin pulled it and they were both greeted by the sight of Jeno.</p><p>“Oh, Jaemin.” Jeno smiled, eyes flicking to Renjun beside him, Jaemin’s arm still wrapped around his shoulder. <i>“Renjun?”</i>, he paused, “I lost you.”</p><p>“He was sick”, Jaemin butted in from beside him, and Renjun acted quickly, nodding at Jeno. “I was helping him.” Jaemin grinned falsely.</p><p>“Right”, Jeno nodded slowly and smiled again, “I’d better take him home then.” He addressed Renjun, “you do look a bit flushed.”  Renjun felt the grip on his shoulder loosen as Jaemin let go. “Thanks”, Jeno said, and Jaemin looked at Renjun as though he wanted to say more but stopped himself short. Renjun watched from beside Jeno as he disappeared back down the corridor.</p><p>The next morning he’d woken up with a hangover, and a lot of regrets.</p><p>--</p><p>
The following tutoring session had been the most awkward yet. 
</p><p>The memories of the night in the bathroom, although hazy, were still there, and the questioning look that Jaemin gave him when he sat next to him on his bed, told him that he had not forgotten what had happened either. They’d crossed a line, and now that it had been crossed, Renjun did not know where they stood anymore, he didn’t even know what to say to Jaemin, and so he let the lesson pass in silence, their only exchanges holding the formality of tutor and student.</p><p>At the end, Jaemin closed the textbook slowly, sliding it into his bag and looking again at the paintings against the wall, the seascape was there now, the one Renjun had been painting the day that Jaemin had spoken to him for the first time. Jaemin looked at him, and all that Renjun saw was sadness, regret, and he inhaled, “Renjun, I don’t think we should-“</p><p>“I know”, Renjun cut in abruptly, shuffling away from Jaemin.</p><p>“I’m sorry”, Jaemin said, zipping his bag shut, “it went too far, it shouldn’t have.”</p><p>Renjun took in another raspy breath, “it’s my fault”, he sighed, “I shouldn’t ever have asked anything from you, it wasn’t fair, I shouldn’t have carried this on”, he nodded between them, “it was a bad idea”, he finished, managing a weak laugh.</p><p>Jaemin laughed with him, “I wasn’t exactly resisting any of it. It’s okay, we were drunk.”</p><p>That was the first time that Renjun realised that it wasn’t a game anymore, Jaemin and him, they had stopped playing, they needed to stop pretending. He saw Jaemin’s eyes wander to the paintings again.</p><p>“You can keep coming here you know, I’ll still teach you”, Renjun said, “free of charge, it’s the least I can do.” Jaemin nodded, fixing his bag on his back, but he did not rise from the bed, instead keeping his stare fixed on the paintings piled up on the wall, tracing each detail. “You keep looking at them”, Renjun commented, motioning to the paintings with the small tilt of his head.</p><p>“I think they’re incredible”, Jaemin replied, not tearing away his gaze, “and I’ve been thinking about what you said about yellow. I know why you like to paint, what your passion is”, he looked up at Renjun finally, “and so I thought about mine.”</p><p>“And?”, Renjun asked, smiling a little at the lines of concentration on Jaemin’s brow.</p><p>“You like landscapes, hills and beaches, and mountains”, Jaemin paused, “well, I like portraits more. I like everything about them, the human experience, I find it beautiful, how faces can speak through expression in one photograph”, he laughed lightly, but Renjun was completely focused, “Portraits talk without the need for words, they speak without speaking.” Jaemin shook his head, standing up from the bed, “anyway, it was just a thought.”</p><p>They did not kiss that day, and the specifics seemed unimportant when Jaemin gave Renjun a real, gentle smile. He wasn’t thinking about his lips in the way that he once had, more so the words that left them, and the sound of his voice.</p><p>--</p><p>
He tried to avoid Jaemin around campus as much as he could, because he didn’t want to disturb him anymore than he had done already, but it became unavoidable at the café. His morning shift had nearly ended when he’d seen him. 
</p><p>Jaemin was not alone though, Renjun noticing the young girl beside him. She appeared no older than six, and her hand was clutching Jaemin’s tightly. He held the door open for her, the girl’s pigtails bouncing as she skipped, dragging Jaemin along with her. He stumbled to keep up, laughing a little as she placed both her arms on the counter.</p><p>Jaemin’s soft smile and kind eyes melted Renjun again, and he smiled back.</p><p>“Hey”, he grinned at Renjun, letting go of the small girl’s hand as Renjun saw her staring at the array of snacks behind the glass. As if Jaemin could sense Renjun’s unanswered questions, he spoke with a soft laugh, “this is Yoojung”, he said, “my niece.”</p><p>“You’re an Uncle?”</p><p>Jaemin hummed, nodding, “my sister’s been in Seoul, she came to visit, but she’s out right now, so I said we’d go to the park for the afternoon.” Renjun watched as Yoojung began to trace against the glass with her finger inquisitively, looking at Jaemin. “We’re grabbing some lunch here first.” He bent down a little, speaking again, “which one do you want Yoojung?”, he asked her.</p><p>“That one”, Renjun heard her say quietly, pointing to a sandwich on the bottom shelf.</p><p>Jaemin picked it up for her, placing it on the counter.  “Alright, hold on”, he laughed, pulling out his wallet.</p><p>Renjun had brought all their food on a tray to their table beside the window, leaving them to their day as he walked back to the counter and glanced at the clock on the wall. He listened to the sound of their chatter and small laughs as the time passed.</p><p>Before they left, Jaemin came back to the counter, Yoojung’s hand in his again, addressing Renjun.</p><p>“Your shift’s almost over, isn’t it?”</p><p>“How did you know that?”</p><p>“Lucky guess”, Jaemin replied.</p><p>“A lucky guess that you knew I’d be here too I suppose?”</p><p>Jaemin didn’t answer the question, but spoke again, “I was wondering if you wanted to join us”, he hesitated, “the park’s only about a twenty minute walk”, he stuttered a little, “I could use an extra pair of eyes to watch out for Yoojung.”</p><p>Renjun had not even considered saying no to Jaemin, it hadn’t happened before, and it did not happen this time either. They’d ended up in the corner of a park, inside the gate of the play area, he and Jaemin sat on a bench that overlooked the swings and the climbing frames Yoojung was running through. She peered round the wooden structures from time to time, waving at both of them as she laughed.</p><p>Renjun covered his face with his hand as the sun escaped from behind a cloud, shading him from the glare as he continued to look out across the park at the line of trees behind, feeling Jaemin close beside him. “How long is your sister here for?”, he asked, filling the quiet.</p><p>“They’re both here for two more days, Yoojung’s fifth birthday was last week, they came to celebrate with us”, Jaemin answered, smiling at Yoojung, who was currently swinging on one of the frames close by. He sighed, “she’s a really good kid, it’s been tough on my sister since my parents split up, I’m glad she’s got Yoojung.” Jaemin was still staring out at the field, but his eyes were a little glassy, “It’s alright”, he smiled, “It’s why my sister and I are so close. She moved back to Busan when she got married, but she comes to Seoul to visit my mom and me quite a lot, it’s nice to spend time with her”, he laughed a little, “I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this, I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone this much, I’m sorry.”</p><p>Renjun shook his head, “no, it’s okay, don’t be sorry, I don’t mind listening at all.”</p><p>It was strange, Renjun had not considered that Jaemin was real too, until then, because he had always been so distant, just a face. Jaemin was his own person, with his own family, his own life, and his own problems. It made Renjun’s heart ache a little, he could see that Yoojung meant the world to him.</p><p>Jaemin smiled gratefully, it started from the corners of his lips and spread to his eyes as it broadened, “thanks”, he sniffed, thinking for a moment, “you can’t have seen your parents for a while?”</p><p>“Not since I started at the university.” Renjun had forgotten the sting until then, but he tried to suppress it with a smile. “It’s alright, I’ll see them when I go home for the summer, it’s not too long till then.”</p><p>They fell back into silence, it was understood, easy silence as Renjun watched the trees again, listening to the sounds around him, trying to focus on each one with Jaemin beside him, their knees brushing occasionally.</p><p>“We’d better get going soon, my sister wants her back before four”, Jaemin said later, rising from the bench and walking to fetch Yoojung.</p><p>Renjun nodded, “Jaemin”, he called, and Jaemin turned, facing Renjun.</p><p>“You’re alright sometimes”, Renjun grinned.</p><p>“I guess I’ll take that as a compliment.”</p><p>They walked back on the pathway at the edge of the park where the trees gave some shade, Yoojung stopping to inspect the piles of fallen blossoms on the ground. She picked up a cluster of them, running back to Jaemin and grinning, taking one and holding it next to her ear. Jaemin laughed, swiping one out of the pile in her hand and holding it up to his face.</p><p>“You have to wear it properly”, she pouted, and he lifted it, placing the pink flower in his hair, making her giggle. Renjun laughed too, noticing Jaemin take another and thread it into his own hair. He laughed as Renjun frowned, the expression soon disappearing into a smile.</p><p>“It suits you”, Jaemin grinned, “stay still.” Jaemin reached into his bag, “I want to take a photo.” He pulled out his camera and flicked it on, removing the lens cap and twisting the dial to focus.</p><p>“Why?”, Renjun asked, but Jaemin did not answer- <i>he remembered that Jaemin liked to capture portraits</i>. There was a long pause as Jaemin looked through the viewfinder, until he finally heard the click of the camera as the shot of Renjun smiling was captured.</p><p>Jaemin studied it, then watched as Renjun pulled the flower out of his hair, “actually, there was something I wanted to ask you.”</p><p>--</p><p>
Renjun had said yes. 
</p><p>Jaemin had a project, and he needed a subject. He had asked Renjun to be that subject, and Renjun had said yes.</p><p>That weekend, Jaemin took them to a field on the outskirts of Seoul, after an hour-long bus journey, and they walked through the deserted countryside, Jaemin’s camera already fastened around his neck, and Renjun clutching an empty sketchbook. He had seen the flowers first, fields of them as far as he could see, vibrant yellow stretching to the horizon.</p><p>“I thought you’d like it.” Jaemin nodded to the saffron flowers next to them.</p><p>“It’s beautiful”, Renjun breathed, seeing the field, and the clusters of yellow that wavered each time the breeze blew gently through them.</p><p>Jaemin sat down amongst the yellow, and Renjun followed, sketchbook in hand. He inhaled deeply to savour the fragrance of the flowers in the freshness of the spring morning, flipping the pad open and looking at the sky. He lifted a hand to block the sun so he could see, the rays shining through the gaps in his fingers, warm on his palm. There was a soft stillness, a tranquil calm, an unspoken understanding between them both as Renjun began to sketch the field of flowers with his coloured pencils. He heard Jaemin’s camera click softly as he carried out test shots, adjusting the lens in accordance with the bright lighting.</p><p>When the shutter stopped, Jaemin stood up, and Renjun looked up from his sketch, seeing him smiling. “What do I do?”, Renjun asked, a little flustered. Jaemin knelt, pulling gently at his wrist and tucking it under his chin, the contact made Renjun’s heart beat faster.</p><p>“I’m not doing that.” Renjun shuddered and laughed, putting his hands back in his lap and shaking his head.</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“It’s embarrassing”, Renjun answered and Jaemin’s fingers tapped lightly on the top of the camera.</p><p>“Just give it a go”, Jaemin smiled, and Renjun relented, putting his hand under his chin. He watched Jaemin take a flower that had fallen to the ground, placing it carefully between Renjun’s fingers. Jaemin’s touch left Renjun gripping the flower weakly as he retracted and looked through the viewfinder again.</p><p>“That’s good”, Jaemin confirmed and clicked the camera once, then again, capturing the shot. Renjun could feel the sun on his cheeks. “You can close your eyes if you want to”, Jaemin said. Renjun let them fall shut and all he could pay attention to was the short bursts of sound from the camera, Jaemin’s soft, focused breaths, the warmth, and the breeze that tousled his hair lightly.</p><p>There had been a strange sort of intensity to it, Jaemin watching him through the camera, only him, taking each photograph with precision.</p><p>A stream ran along the lower edge of the field. Renjun bounded ahead to it as Jaemin packed his camera away, and then ran to catch up. He’d stopped at the pebbly edge, the water flowing past him as he began to tug off his shoes. He abandoned them with his socks in the grass and reached for the ends of his jeans, rolling them up above his knees.  Stepping tentatively with one foot into the water, he felt the chill run through his spine, it was exhilarating. He turned to Jaemin, “are you coming in?”</p><p>Jaemin hesitated, about to refuse, but sighed, sliding his shoes off his feet and following him, after he had dumped his bag in the grass. He stood unsteadily, still close to the bank.  Renjun could feel the jagged rocks underneath his feet, letting them dig into his soles as he waded further in until the water touched his knees, sending ripples behind that shone in the sun, “come in a bit further”, he called to Jaemin, reaching into the water and scooping some to flick at him.</p><p>“I’m trying”, Jaemin replied, wobbling clumsily as he got nearer and tugging at Renjun’s shirt to steady himself. Renjun laughed as he felt Jaemin grip the fabric.</p><p>“It’s so peaceful here”, Renjun said to him, “quiet.”</p><p>Jaemin nodded, letting go of Renjun’s shirt. “I found this place at the beginning of spring, I don’t think many people know about it. Every time I’ve come here, it’s always been empty like this.”</p><p>Renjun waded further, pulling Jaemin with him, still feeling the grip on his shirt as they moved. Jaemin gasped suddenly and he felt a sharp tug as he slipped on a rock, stumbling and pulling Renjun’s shirt tighter. Renjun stumbled as Jaemin grabbed harder at the material. “Wait!”, he cried urgently, “Jaemin, you’re going to drag both of us down if you’re not careful!”</p><p>It was too late, they both slipped, crashing down into the water. When Renjun lifted his head, hair wet and dripping down his face, jeans completely soaked, Jaemin looked at him sheepishly, attempting a small smile, also drenched. “I told you”, Renjun groaned, splashing Jaemin again and huffing loudly.</p><p>It had taken some time to dry off afterwards, their hair still wet as they lay out beside the stream in the sun. Jaemin’s eyes were closed, hands behind his head and hair stuck to his temples as it dried. Renjun lay next to him on his stomach, propped up by a hand under his chin. He leaned over Jaemin and watched his eyes flutter open as his shadow rested on him.</p><p>Renjun smiled, pausing. “What do you want to do when you leave college?”</p><p>Jaemin’s eyes opened fully following the question, propping himself up on his elbows. “I haven’t really thought about it yet, but I think I love photography too much to just let it go, so probably something to do with that. You want to be an artist, I suppose?”</p><p>Renjun shrugged, damp hair falling in his face, “I want to paint, I know that much. I’d sell some of my paintings”, he laughed, “if anyone wanted to buy them, not all of them though, there’s too much of me in them. Maybe I’ll open a quaint little art shop in the countryside, who knows”, he said and laughed again.</p><p>“How romantic - an idealist”, Jaemin grinned, “you believe in happy endings then, in love?”</p><p>“What’s love got to do with any of it?” He saw Jaemin shrug, “don’t you think love is real?”</p><p>Jaemin shook his head, “no, not really.”</p><p>“Well I do.”</p><p>“Of course you do, you’re an artist.”</p><p>Renjun rolled his eyes, shifting in the grass, “whatever.”</p><p>“Love’s just chemicals”, Jaemin continued, “useless things, dopamine, oxytocin, it’s just chemical reactions in the brain, they let you live on a high for a while, and then it all fades as time goes by.”</p><p>Renjun considered it, but decided ultimately how base of an outlook Jaemin held, and scoffed loudly, “is that all you think it is? That’s rather pessimistic for someone that insists they love the human condition. Just because you live on a constant high, because you’re hooked on the thrill of flirting, and the initial excitement, it doesn’t mean that everyone else is. Is that why you’re with a different person every night then, topping up your chemicals, just for the thrill of it?”</p><p>Jaemin’s face turned serious. “It’s not like that, I just like whoever I like, whatever feels good, it isn’t what you’re saying.”</p><p>Renjun looked down again at Jaemin, considering everything that had lead him to that moment, that day in the art room when Jaemin had loitered in the doorway, the tuition, the awkward glances, everything that had built to that point in time from what could have been nothing. Those thoughts made him blurt out, through the heat of the air, “have you ever heard of the butterfly effect?” Jaemin nodded but didn’t open his mouth to talk, waiting for Renjun to instead. “Then you’ll know that you”, he pointed to Jaemin with the tilt of his head, “are causing a lot of them with what you do, changing people’s lives, even if you think you aren’t, you are, because you find your way in, and you leave a footprint. It doesn’t matter how big the footprint is, it’s still there, having these dalliances with people.” His voice wavered as he considered whether the change to his own life had been for the better or for the worse. “You’ll never know though, people want you, so you take whatever, you let all of your butterflies fly all over the place, and you can’t get them back, you don’t care where they go.”</p><p>“That’s not true”, Jaemin protested, and Renjun thought that he had that familiar sadness in his eyes.</p><p>“You don’t pay attention to the little things, the detail, you leave an impact on people’s lives”, he’d silenced Jaemin, “and I know you have a heart, and you have a lot of love to give too, because there’s moments where the real you slips through and I see it, but for some reason you want to hide it.”</p><p>Jaemin nodded slowly, quiet as he processed the statement and frowned, “everything means everything if you look at the world like that.”</p><p>“Exactly”, Renjun smiled.</p><p>“You really do think a lot, Renjun.”</p><p>At first Renjun had been alright with keeping his own little piece of Jaemin, who indeed had belonged to nobody, but right then, as he sat up and looked at him, he wanted to kiss the expression of confusion off his face, he wanted him to see the world like he did, to make everything make sense for him.</p><p>There were too many thoughts, so instead of tackling them, he laid his head in the grass again, beside Jaemin, and closed his eyes.</p><p>--</p><p>
Just as the flap of a butterfly’s wings can cause a tornado, a single moment had caused Renjun’s world to fall apart. 
</p><p>The lesson had started out fine, Renjun had not thought about how every good thing had to end one day until that evening in his room with Jaemin. He’d left to retrieve drinks from the kitchen for both of them, and when he returned carrying the glasses of water, he was greeted by an unusual silence, it was different to the awkwardness when they’d first met, or the comfortable quiet in the field of yellow flowers, there was something scarily solemn, it made Renjun stop as the door shut slowly behind him.</p><p>
  <i>“Jaemin?”</i>, he called out, and when there was no response, he took another small step forward, hearing breaths that weren’t his own as he set the cups down hastily. He looked at the bed, Jaemin was not there, stood instead, beside his desk drawer, Renjun’s open sketchbook in his hand, <i>“oh my god”</i>, Renjun whispered under his breath, the revelation causing him to stop completely, <i>“what are you doing?”</i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>Jaemin looked up from the sketches printed so boldly by Renjun, hours of time invested in those drawings. “Renjun I-“</p><p><i>“What are you doing?”</i>, Renjun repeated, and this time his voice shook. He wanted to tear the papers out of his hand, because this was the most embarrassing moment of his life, he knew it already, but he couldn’t move.</p><p>“I wanted to see your drawing of the field”, Jaemin answered quietly, and he looked down again, speechless.</p><p>Renjun didn’t stop him, because the damage had already been done, and the game was really over this time. Renjun had lost. He knew that he should have been more careful, he’d not realised until then that every stroke on his paper, every line, would come crashing down on him all at once. He waited but Jaemin did not speak, caught on the creations in his grasp, the lines of graphite that formed the very face that was staring at it right now, pages of them, the eyes, and cheekbones, the contours of every detail etched as Jaemin’s shadow over the paper. He knew that when Jaemin’s eyes flicked down to the dates, that the evidence was all there, and that’s when Jaemin let out another shaky breath.</p><p>“These are all of me”, Jaemin said quietly, “they’re from before we met”, Jaemin glanced down at the date again, then back to Renjun, his hands shook this time.</p><p>Renjun went weak. He had wanted to draw Jaemin the very first time he’d seen him, because he was beautiful. It had been innocent, drawings that came naturally to him. Renjun was a perfectionist though, and Jaemin had been distant, he’d hardly seen his face before the tutoring had started, all he had wanted was for the drawings of Jaemin to be his definition of perfect, to capture the beauty initially, that’s all. So, he’d kept pushing, too far, gotten too close to his object of study. He’d not thought to stop until Jaemin had got so close that it was already too late.  There had been nothing real, but the look in Jaemin’s eyes now was the rawest thing that Renjun had ever witnessed.</p><p>
  <i>The butterfly’s wings were broken.</i>
</p><p>The defence he put up was automatic, reaching forward and snatching them out of Jaemin’s hand, one of the pages of Jaemin’s smiling face crumpling and floating to the floor. He did not bother to pick it up. He wanted to trample it, but he did not have the heart to. He looked down at the drawing on the top of the pile and felt his stomach twist. It was a more recent one from when he’d known Jaemin, a close up of his eye, the flecks of detail captured in each stroke. “Go on, laugh at me”, he said dryly, clutching the pages tighter, “I know you want to, they’re shit anyway.” Jaemin did not laugh though, and instead, tried to take a small step forward, cautious, but Renjun backed away, knees hitting the bed. “Laugh at me”, Renjun repeated.</p><p>“Renjun, I don’t want to laugh at you”, Jaemin tried, the shock on his face fading to a gentler expression, but Renjun had already put up all of his guards, “I just don’t understand.”</p><p>“You were just my canvas”, Renjun said, voice trembling, tears threatening to fall, he kept them in as he continued, “blank, I didn’t know who you were, you didn’t know me. I thought you were an asshole, and I hate it even more that you’re not!”, he bit his lips, the tears getting more intense and blurring Jaemin out of sight, “I wish I’d never got to know you, I shouldn’t have ever let you into my life, you were just a face then. You were the most beautiful person that I’d ever seen, so I drew you, and then you came into my life for real, and I started to fall for you like everyone else, I didn’t want to, but I did, and I fucking hate myself for it”, he tugged at the sheets harder and another fell to the floor, “I think I’ve fallen in love with you”, he said in a choked whisper, “and it hurts because you don’t love me back, I don’t even know if you know how to love.”</p><p>Renjun didn’t think it was fair, how vulnerable Jaemin appeared then, it was not fair, he wasn’t the one that was allowed to be hurting, but he stepped forward, until he was right in front of Renjun, and then, before anything else could happen, before Renjun could shout, or push him away, or cry, Jaemin pressed his lips very gently onto Renjun’s. It was as though it was the first time ever, lips only just ghosting over Renjun’s. For a second Renjun weakened, and let himself be the vulnerable one, he accepted it, letting Jaemin in, and placed a rough hand against his jaw to kiss back.</p><p>Then the fire inside him boiled over, and he destroyed the moment that somewhere in his heart he had wished to savour, snapping his head away and pushing Jaemin back with both hands on his shoulders.</p><p><i>“No!”</i>, Renjun shouted, <i>“get out, I’m not your plaything anymore, Jaemin!”</i> He saw Jaemin stumble backwards slightly, regaining his footing and looking at Renjun with eyes that shone with sadness. “I’m human too, <i>don’t you understand?</i> It means nothing if you’re just going to walk away again, just leave, it’s over, I don’t want your pity!”</p><p>Jaemin’s voice didn’t waver, still gentle, <i>“Renjun, please.”</i></p><p>“I’m asking you to leave”, Renjun whispered, because the tightening in his throat wouldn’t let him speak any louder, and the words came out as desperate more than anything else, his grip on the sketch book loosening as he surrendered.</p><p>Jaemin seemed conflicted as he stared in disbelief, Renjun’s chest still heaving. Then Jaemin gave up too, his shoulders slumping as he cut the gaze off completely, he looked hurt, but picked up his bag and walked out of the door, closing it quietly behind him.</p><p>Once Jaemin had left, Renjun let his emotions rule him, and he cried, a lot, fat tears falling from his eyes down his cheeks as he sunk down beside the drawings that littered his bed.</p><p>The only relief he got was when he took one in his hand and tore the page, like he was ridding himself of Jaemin because the memory was too painful. He took another and ripped it, and another, tearing them from the top of the page until they became pieces that he could crumple in his hand.</p><p>He gave up eventually and threw the entire sketchbook at the wall.</p><p>--</p><p>
The next three days repeated like a cycle. 
</p><p>It was the weekend, and so Renjun had no reason to leave the room other than to use the kitchen. His hours were spent under the covers of his bed, curled up in his sweats and t-shirt, or sleeping, because he did not want to face the world, even less, to face Jaemin. The hurt had not gone, but it had eased to a dull ache that Sunday afternoon as he lay on his bed, on the covers, staring at the wall opposite him.</p><p>He believed the knock at the door would be Jeno, asking him if he was okay, saying that he hadn’t seen him around a lot, and so he answered it, flattening the hair that stuck up unevenly because of his place on the bed and yawning, filled with instant regret seeing Jaemin outside. He was dressed the same as he usually was, baggy jeans and shirt that sloped off his shoulders dipping just below his collarbones – <i>always the same Jaemin that he had come to know over the past three months.</i></p><p>He tried to close the door again immediately, rubbing his eyes, that he could feel were puffy.</p><p>“Wait”, Jaemin called, and Renjun opened it again, scowling.</p><p>“What do you want?”</p><p>Renjun watched as Jaemin took in another breath, “draw me.”</p><p>Renjun’s guard slipped for a moment, but he replied, “no.” He did not attempt to close the door, only continuing to stare at Jaemin.</p><p>“I want you to draw me”, Jaemin said again, a little more determined this time, firmer than before, “if you want to, then I want you to”, his voice lowered, “and I want to talk to you. You draw me, I get to talk to you”, he tried to smile, but Renjun shook his head again in denial. “Please, just listen to what I have to say.”</p><p>Renjun considered it then, the prospect of drawing Jaemin. Being able to without using his own imagination, without having to trace the details in his mind that he had become so familiar with yet felt so far from, the pieces of Jaemin that he could fit together so easily and so perfectly if he let him walk through the door, let his heart go weak.</p><p>He opened the door, allowing Jaemin inside as he went to his desk, listening to Jaemin’s footsteps behind him stop. He ignored them, rummaging inside his drawer for one of the sketchbooks that had remained intact following the incident, pulling it out. He flicked through, there were only a few small sketches on the first page, the rest was empty.</p><p>He looked behind him, seeing Jaemin standing awkwardly in the centre of the room, shoes left beside the door. He couldn’t help but laugh a little at his polite gesture and beckoned him over to the bed. Jaemin followed, sitting carefully and shuffling until his back hit the wall that the bed was pushed up against.</p><p>Renjun sat in the desk chair, swivelling to face Jaemin with a sharpened pencil between his fingers. Jaemin sat perfectly still as he drew the first line across the page, back arched against the wall, and head slightly tilted. Renjun carefully took in every part of the artwork in front of him. It helped that the setting sun shone over Jaemin through the cracks in the curtains, bathing his skin in a soft warmth.</p><p>“Don’t you think I’m strange?”, Renjun cut through the quiet, pausing to look up at Jaemin, “drawing you, for having drawings of you?”</p><p>Jaemin shook his head, “not really, it’s art, I have photos of you.”</p><p>“You asked for those.”</p><p>Jaemin shrugged, shifting so his back was better placed against the wall. Renjun filled in the contour of his cheekbones, back and forth with textured strokes of the pencil.</p><p>“What happened to them?”, Jaemin asked, “the drawings.”</p><p>“I tore most of them up”, Renjun answered, watching Jaemin’s expression falter as he blinked, long dark eyelashes meeting soft skin.</p><p>“Oh.” Jaemin squinted as the sun caught his eyes, Renjun added the detail to the page.</p><p>“What did you want to talk about?”</p><p>“Anything”, Jaemin chuckled slightly, “but also nothing, I just wanted to tell you something, something I’ve been feeling for a while now, but something I still don’t completely understand.” He looked at Renjun expectantly. Renjun was in his safe space once more, creating art, absorbed by the concentration it required. He’d calmed and was ready to listen,  Jaemin could open up in front of him. “I’ve never met anyone like you Renjun”, he laughed wryly, “I’ve been with girls, and I’ve been with boys, and I’ve not felt any of this. I know it sounds clichéd, I really know that, and I’ve been fighting it.” Renjun paused and put the pencil down on the pad. “I don’t understand it, I want to spend time with you, and I want to kiss you…” he paused and Renjun noticed a faint flush of pink on Jaemin’s cheeks as he studied them, “…and hold your hand. I don’t know, I don’t ask questions anymore because I can’t answer them, when it comes to you, I know it’ll never make sense, because…love doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me.”</p><p>Renjun did not speak, there was so much to say, but he said none of it. Instead, he moved to the bed, sitting on the end of it with the sketchbook in his lap, and traced a different detail into Jaemin’s eyes, seeing them so near. “Why did you kiss me?”</p><p>“I kissed you because I like you.”</p><p>Renjun looked down at his sketch again and smirked a little, “why?”</p><p>Jaemin sighed. “I like you, a lot, I really, really like you Renjun.”</p><p>Renjun saw the details of Jaemin’s face, but it wasn’t enough, he reached out and touched his cheek. Jaemin closed his eyes instinctively, perhaps it was overwhelming for him too, Renjun controlled himself with precision, tactile movements, running his fingers over Jaemin’s cheek, down to his jaw, and then he let go again, adding definition to those areas in the drawing, filling it in with what he had felt, while energy ran through his fingertips from the soft skin they had contacted. He repeated the action, letting the sketchpad fall and taking Jaemin’s face between his hands, running his thumbs over his cheeks. This time he leant in, placing a tiny kiss beside the corner of Jaemin’s mouth, lips brushing the skin tenderly. Jaemin didn’t move, but his eyes opened. Renjun shuffled backwards, drawing Jaemin’s lips how they had felt. The next kiss Renjun placed was firmer onto Jaemin’s lips, lingering there to savour the sweet taste, but pulling away and drawing in silence.</p><p>Jaemin remained still, watching him in the dim light of the room.</p><p>Then Renjun’s fingers moved to the edge of Jaemin’s shirt, gentle touches, he looked up at Jaemin, <i>“can I?”</i>, he breathed. Jaemin nodded, and slowly, Renjun tugged a little harder at the shirt, lifting it up over Jaemin’s head and tossing it to the floor. Jaemin’s chest was toned, taut where he tensed slightly and shivered as Renjun’s fingers glided over it softly. He had told Jaemin that he had a heart, and he knew, because right now it was beating so rapidly as his fingers brushed passed it. He dipped lower, he couldn’t help but stare at the contours, he felt the excitement swirl in his stomach. He could see the tiny moles dotted on Jaemin’s skin, <i>one</i>, he bent to place a delicate kiss against it, <i>two</i>, another kiss on the one by his ribs, <i>three</i>, a kiss to his collarbone. He wanted to memorise every detail.</p><p>Renjun took the sketchpad, tracing what he had felt onto the paper, marking it there permanently, it was better than any drawing of Jaemin he’d ever done. Jaemin was still watching him, breath heavy and trembling slightly. He smiled shyly, and Renjun edged forward until he was enveloped by the warmth of Jaemin’s arms around his waist, pulled closer by them, lips meeting again. This time it was an explosion. It wasn’t like the other kisses they’d had, he felt it everywhere, like he’d felt Jaemin with each line he’d sketched, all he felt was Jaemin’s soft touches, soft lips, small hums as the last strains of the sun slipped past the horizon through the curtains.</p><p>Jaemin’s fingers found the edge of Renjun’s shirt, pulling at it, and he looked at Renjun, who was now straddled across his knees. He smiled, and Jaemin pulled it over his head, until Renjun was shirtless too, and Jaemin bent to kiss his lips, running fingers over Renjun’s shoulder blades, trailing lightly over the skin, down to the small of his back. “You’re so beautiful”, he said, and their mouths met, Renjun carding his fingers through Jaemin’s hair and moaning softly in anticipation.</p><p>“Aren’t I just chemicals to you?”, Renjun murmured in between another soft kiss.</p><p>“No, you aren’t.”</p><p>“This isn’t a game, it isn’t pity? It’s not because I’ve never done it before, is it?”</p><p>Jaemin shook his head, it was sincere, “I want to”, he hesitated, kissing Renjun again, “but only if you do too.”</p><p>Renjun bit his lip and nodded, joining their lips. There was no more need for words, and as Jaemin fell back against the sheets, Renjun kissed along his neck, and he let him take over, kisses trailing lower until his hands were pulling at the fastening on Jaemin’s jeans.</p><p>The sketchbook lay discarded on the bed, the finished picture on the page was perfect.</p><p>--</p><p>
Renjun had never been in a darkroom before. There was one in the art building, in a quiet corner, but he had never needed to use it. 
</p><p>Jaemin had taken him there, after class hours when it had been empty and all Renjun had seen was the soft, red glow as Jaemin ushered him inside. The whole room was bathed in red light, the photographs set out in ordered rows across an old plastic table, and others lined up and pegged on string - photos of Renjun, in the fields, everywhere he looked, not quite fully developed but placed there by Jaemin’s careful fingers to dry.</p><p>“When’s it due in?”, Renjun asked quietly, staring at each photograph of himself.</p><p>“The project? A month”, Jaemin replied from beside him, concentrating as he took a developed photograph and hung it on the line of string running from one wall to the other. It showed Renjun in the field of flowers, laying back amongst the petals with his eyes closed and arms slung above his head, a small grin on his face.</p><p>Renjun looked around at the photos, some still in trays filled with solution, others jumbled haphazardly across the table, some hanging to dry, but all of him, and all bathed in shades of red in the dimly lit room. “This is so embarrassing”, he whined, laughing weakly, making Jaemin turn from where he was hanging the photos up, one still held between his fingers as he smiled.</p><p>“I like them a lot”, Jaemin said, clipping the sheet in his hand to the string with a peg, “I think they’re beautiful”, he mused, still lingering on the one he had just placed down.</p><p>Renjun felt the heat on his cheeks as his blood rose there, glad of the darkness so that Jaemin would not be able to see the flush of colour. He slid another photo across the table top, seeing a close up of his hand, flower balanced between his fingers, Jaemin had captured every intricate detail. It made him smile to see it. Moving his hand away quickly, he knocked the tray beside him, the solution inside rippling across to the edges until they dispersed. He stopped, the fluid becoming still again as though it had never been disturbed. He looked at Jaemin, still focused as he hung the photographs up, then back down, to where he’d caused the ripples.  It was an accident, a chance contact that had caused the disturbance.  He thought about where he was now, every decision that had brought him here and the impact on the trajectory of his life as he’d watched the ripples grow and then fade away.</p><p>He was interrupted when Jaemin walked back to the table, standing beside him as he tapped the tray lightly, straightening the photograph that lay at the bottom. <i>“A photographer, and an artist, all alone in a dark room together”</i>, he dared a smile, <i>“that’s romantic, isn’t it?”</i></p><p>“Pfft”, Renjun shot back, nudging Jaemin’s arm lightly and laughing. “Let’s not forget how we met.”</p><p>“Hey!”, Jaemin whined, “at least I passed the exam.”</p><p>“You couldn’t have done it without me”, Renjun teased. He felt himself flush a brighter shade of red as he saw Jaemin’s face close to his.  “I meant the kissing lessons though.” He laughed and placed a lingering kiss to Jaemin’s lips as he ran his fingers lightly over the bare skin of his forearms.</p><p>“You’re improving”, Jaemin murmured.</p><p>“Am I?” Renjun shoved Jaemin with his elbow again.</p><p>Jaemin hummed, and he brought their lips together, for longer this time. Renjun pulled away slightly, looking up at Jaemin’s face and into the depths of his eyes. “You are serious, about this, aren’t you?”, he asked, feeling the tiny goose bumps that arose on Jaemin’s skin as he brushed his fingers down his arm, “because I’m not going to share you.”</p><p>Jaemin kissed him again, “I’m not going to share you either.”</p><p>“I mean it”, Renjun shot sternly, breaking into a small smile.</p><p>“I know, I mean it too.”</p><p>Jaemin’s arm moved, and Renjun’s fingers were left touching the stillness of the air again. He felt Jaemin’s fingers slide past the ends of his shirt sleeves, passing the skin of his wrist, and very gently, as if it were Jaemin that was afraid Renjun would leave, he stopped, fingers brushing against his palm.</p><p>And then, he slipped his hand into Renjun’s.</p><p>--</p><p>
Exactly one month later, Renjun had been alone in the art room again, there were some things that never changed. 
</p><p>The canvas in front of him was blank, for now. He picked up his paintbrush, applying the first stroke, forming the crescent of the moon. He repeated the action, paint splattering the canvas with colour. He felt the hot breeze pour in through the open window, distracted as it ran through the leaves of the trees outside. The promise of summer had come, spring left behind with the falling blossoms that had been on the trees.</p><p>He heard the latch on the art room door clatter, and he turned, broken out of his trance, and seeing Jaemin leant against the frame. Renjun smiled at him, setting his brush back on the table. Jaemin was grinning, holding up a key clutched between his fingers.</p><p>It wasn’t a secret anymore, Jaemin and him, although Jeno had been the first one to find out about it. Renjun still wasn’t sure how he had felt when he’d knocked on Renjun’s door to watch a movie, only to find Jaemin already sprawled across the cushions on his bed – they’d told him that day, it seemed fitting to, and although shocked, he had not seemed to mind at all.</p><p>“Want to see something?”, Jaemin asked, waving the key in the air.</p><p>Renjun let out a sigh, laughing as he stood from the stool and walked to Jaemin. “Is it perhaps”, he peered behind the door at the empty corridor, “a room full a photographs of <i>me</i>?”, he teased. He knew that the exhibition had been today, he had seen the visitors outside the art building that morning, all of them having come to see the work the photography students had produced.</p><p>Renjun followed Jaemin down the empty halls until they reached the door of the exhibition room, pausing once he had put the key into the lock. “It’s emptied out now, but you should have seen it in here earlier, so many people came.”</p><p>Jaemin twisted the key and pushed on the door, Renjun following him into the room, rows and rows of photographs displayed, different styles, landscapes and portraits and abstract work, but there, amongst all the other work, in a corner of the room on the far wall, Renjun saw himself, all the photos that Jaemin had taken lined along a darkened wall in thickly rimmed frames, one by one, telling their story. As Renjun studied each one, the sun shining over the yellow flowers, over Renjun’s face, making them even brighter, the embarrassment began to melt away.</p><p>“I wasn’t expecting them to be that beautiful.”</p><p>“I had the best subject”, Jaemin smiled softly.</p><p>In the exhibition room that day, he felt like he finally understood what his mother had told him all those years ago, because he realised that he didn’t need to change the world. Changing his own world had been enough, changing Jaemin’s world had been a bonus. Renjun couldn’t help but think, to wonder where he’d be if his life had taken a different course; if he’d never come to Seoul, if he’d never met Jeno, if Jeno had never told Jaemin about him, if he’d said no to the tutoring, if Jaemin had never found the drawings. Just one small event could tip the balance of his life, it was an overwhelming thought.</p><p>He didn’t need to ask Jaemin what they were now, the photos in front of them told it well enough, their journey.</p><p>Their love was like the room of photographs, with the sun shining over them, because their love was colours and freedom, thoughts and feelings, it was new love and going places they’d never been before, it was the textures of his artwork, all the causes and all the effects.</p><p>Overwhelmed, and without warning, he leant in and kissed Jaemin’s lips. As he did, he felt the warmth of arms around his waist and when he pulled away and placed his head in the crook of Jaemin’s neck he smiled as a hand rested lightly on the back of his head, as gentle as the flutter of a butterfly’s wings.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, it's Elle!! finally here with my CAS fic!! (also my first time writing renmin as a pairing!! aaa !! Thank you so much for reading! I've been working on it for a while now, and I'm really happy that I'm finally able to share it. I'd love to hear your thoughts, or you can follow me on twitter (@renjunfairydust)!! my cc is also linked too!! ♡♡♡<br/><a href="https://curiouscat.qa/renjunfairydust">curiouscat</a></p><p> </p><p>To my lovely Chii, I hope you enjoyed this, and that it lived up to the expectations of your wonderful prompts!! Thank you for encouraging me the whole way through the writing process, it meant the world and helped me to reach this outcome! ♡ Thank you also to CAS I love u all ♡♡♡</p><p> </p><p> </p></blockquote></div></div>
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